Wolverines!!!!!

A North Texas school district is adopting a new policy allowing teachers to carry concealed weapons so as to protect students from attackers via gunfights in the cafeteria. But don't worry, every precaution is being taken:

In order for teachers and staff to carry a pistol, they must have a Texas license to carry a concealed handgun; must be authorized to carry by the district; must receive training in crisis management and hostile situations and have to use ammunition that is designed to minimize the risk of ricochet in school halls.

Look for the nation's ammunition manufacturers to begin marketing special "School Safe" non-ricocheting ammunition any day now. Of course, none of this would have been necessary if the federal government hadn't decided to, um, protect students from gun violence:

"When the federal government started making schools gun-free zones, that's when all of these shootings started. Why would you put it out there that a group of people can't defend themselves? That's like saying 'sic 'em' to a dog," [District Superintendent David] Thweatt said in Friday's online edition of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

Yes, I imagine that the nation's suicidal loners and violent paranoiacs are keenly attuned to year-by-year changes in federal criminal policy. The sad thing is that Shooty McShoot missed the obvious and far more compelling justification for arming the nation's teacher workforce, namely that the recent Russian invasion of Georgia greatly increases the odds of a Red Dawn-style North American conquest, and as we all recall the Soviet paratroopers landed directly behind the local high school.